A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."

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An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" "Ya mean women?" asked the local yokel. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks f*** sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degradation." However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been f***ing sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

If you never want to be disappointed by life's situations never expect anything. Simply hope for the best and plan for the worst, that way you will always be well prepared for anything as well. Tell me, I'll forget. Show me, I may remember. But involve me and I'll understand. Age is not proportionate to maturity. Sometimes people are only wrong or thought crazy until they are proved right. Be openminded. Growing up and growing old are two different things. You are only as old as you feel, but you may seem as old as you act. Complacency kills hopes and dreams, growing up or does not. Nothing is everything. Not eveyone who needs to be saved deserves to be saved. Sometimes the people that help others are in need of or searching for help themselves. Read for fun. Time does not heal all, it just helps you to forget or realize truths that you could not see or didn't want to see in the first place. Test people in their friendship. Trust in your true friends. Sometimes people don't mean what they say and other don't say what they mean. Enjoy your victories but embrace and learn from your failures. If you truely enjoy your job you will never work another day in your life. There is a difference between dating and having a relationship, but they can both feel great or hurt very much. Road rage is contageous. Be courteous: let people pass if you go slow and don't cut people off if you go fast. Realize that not everyone you think you are not good enough for is always good enough for you. Live each day likes it's your last, but remember that if there is a tomorrow you will have to face the consequences. Realize that there are more than 5 senses and learn to trust the other ones. Accept compliments when they are honest. Love and accept love. Time moves on. Situations happen in time. Situations change people. People can only change themselves if they want to. Don't try to change others. Learn to let some things go and hold on to others. If you fall down get up. If you are too high watch your head. Duct tape can fix anything, except for a broken heart. Believe in something, even if it's only yourself. Have a hobby. Be spontaneous at times and plan at others. Realize that things you own are only things and do not make you, they don't come with you when you die anyways. Money can not buy true happiness, but it can sometimes open the door to it. Live moment to moment and not paycheck to paycheck. Know and love yourself. Learn that just because you are alive does not mean you are living. It is not always possible or necessary to follow every rule, but it is not always possible or necessary to bend or break them either. Think for yourself. If you don't know something or are curious, ask. Realize that being childish and a child at heart are not the same thing. Remember that no one is perfect, maybe close but not all the way. Picturing people in their underwear isn't always the best idea. Eat. Remember grades are not everything. The lowest graduate from med school is still a doctor. Sports are not everything. Drinking often causes more problems than it solves. You don't have to see some things for them to actually exist.

For his birthday little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it. "The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going? Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm Sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation.

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, " Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife. " When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, " I won the contest for the best toast of the evening. " His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, " Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife. " His wife then said, " Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast. " The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, " Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize". " Yes, that's right, " said Mrs. O'Riley, " but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears. *********************************************** Lunches An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage." If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed; "Burritos again." If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Redneck opened his lunch and said; "Bologna again." "If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." -Next Day- The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also. -At The Funeral- The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says; "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again." The Mexican's wife also weeps and says; "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas, I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife.... Hey, don't look at me,"she said, "That dumb-ass makes his OWN lunch!"

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on. The husband, thinking he'll be oh-so-manly, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer... m - y - p - e - n - i - s His wife rolls her eyes. Then she nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE!!! Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened..... MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!! A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy". I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answ! ered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed

My oath to my beer buddies: When you are sad.....I will give you a beer, Slap you, and say "cry me a river you fucking baby...now drink up". When you are scared.....I will comfort you and try to convince you that they will not search the trunk. When you are worried.....I will buy not one but two 24 packs, that ought to hold us until 8:00 p.m. When you are confused.....I will explain to you how sometimes ugly people look like supermodels when you are drunk. And when you are lost.....I will lead you back to your room so that I can go back to sleep with your girlfriend/boyfriend. This is my oath.....I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?..... Because you're my beer drinking friend. Send this to everyone you've ever slammed a few down with, it won't bring you good luck or lot's of lovin or any of that shit that all the other letters promise, but it will let everyone know you're a true friend. (as long as there's beer involved.)

A man and his wife went to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw me in front of you naked, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "and what are you thinking now?" The husband replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

An Angel Named Rose The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being. She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze. "Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked. She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel." "No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. "I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up. At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know." As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. "There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. "You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets." She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be. When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they'll really enjoy it! These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE. REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating out Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You're afraid of a little hair, but you spent most of last night with your face in my pussy!" Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

There were eleven women hanging onto a rope that came down from a cliff. Ten of the women were blonde and one was a brunette. They realized that one person should let go of the rope, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would fall to their death. They couldn't decide who should let go. Finally the brunette said, "I'll make the sacrifice." She gave a very moving and touching speech, saying she would let go of the rope to spare her friends. The brunette finished her speech, let go of the rope and fell to her fate. All of the blondes started clapping.

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, and I heard... ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!.......I tell you, I just shit my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he replied, "...having eight inches of Snow in June?"

He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary's School in Morris, Minn. All 34 of my students were dear to me, but Mark Eklund was one in a million. Very neat in appearance, but had that happy-to-be-alive attitude that made even his occasional mischievousness delightful. Mark talked incessantly. I had to remind him again and again that talking without permission was not acceptable. What impressed me so much, though, was his sincere response every time I had to correct him for misbehaving - "Thank you for correcting me, Sister! "I didn't know what to make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to hearing it many times a day. One morning my patience was growing thin when Mark talked once too often, and then I made a novice teacher's mistake. I looked at Mark and said, "If you say one more word, I am going to tape your mouth shut!" It wasn't ten seconds later when Chuck blurted out, "Mark is talking again." I hadn't asked any of the students to help me watch Mark, but since I had stated the punishment in front of the class, I had to act on it. I remember the scene as if it had occurred this morning. I walked to my desk, very deliberately opened my drawer and took out a roll of masking tape. Without saying a word, I proceeded to Mark's desk, tore off two pieces of tape and made a big X with them over his mouth. I then returned to the front of the room. As I glanced at Mark to see how he was doing, he winked at me. That did it!! I started laughing. The class cheered as I walked back to Mark's desk, removed the tape, and shrugged my shoulders. His first words were, "Thank you for correcting me, Sister." At the end of the year, I was asked to teach junior-high math. The years flew by, and before I knew it Mark was in my classroom again. He was more handsome than ever and just as polite. Since he had to listen carefully to my instruction in the "new math," he did not talk as much in ninth grade as he had in third. One Friday, things just didn't feel right. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and I sensed that the students were frowning, frustrated with themselves and edgy with one another. I had to stop this crankiness before it got out of hand. So I asked them to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed me the papers. Charlie smiled. Mark said, "Thank you for teaching me, Sister. Have a good weekend." That Saturday, I wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and I listed what everyone else had said about that individual. On Monday I gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" I heard whispered. "I never knew that meant anything to anyone!" "I didn't know others liked me so much." No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. I never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another again. That group of students moved on. Several years later, after I returned from vacation, my parents met me at the airport. As we were driving home, Mother asked me the usual questions about the trip the weather, my experiences in general. There was a lull in the conversation. Mother gave Dad a sideways glance and simply says, "Dad?" My father cleared his throat as he usually did before something important. "The Eklunds called last night," he began. "Really?" I said. "I haven't heard from them in years. I wonder how Mark is." Dad responded quietly. "Mark was killed in Vietnam," he said. "The funeral is tomorrow, and his parents would like it if you could attend." To this day I can still point to the exact spot on I-494 where Dad told me about Mark. I had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. Mark looked so handsome, so mature. All I could think at that moment was, "Mark I would give all the masking tape in the world if only you would talk to me." The church was packed with Mark's friends. Chuck's sister sang "The Battle Hymn of the republic." Why did it have to rain on the day of the funeral? It was difficult enough at the graveside. The pastor said the usual prayers, and the bugler played taps. One by one those who loved Mark took a last walk by the coffin and sprinkled it with holy water. I was the last one to bless the coffin. As I stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to me. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. I nodded as I continued to stare at the coffin. "Mark talked about you a lot," he said. After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates headed to Chuck's farmhouse for lunch. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting for me. "We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it." Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. I knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which I had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it." Mark's classmates started to gather around us. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home." Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said without batting an eyelash. "I think we all saved our lists." That's when I finally sat down and cried. I cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again. The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late. Within 1 hour you must send it to other people. Within five days you will have a miraculous occurrence in your relationships. You may find new love or have an old love rekindled. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the opportunity to do something loving and beautiful and continue the trend that gives you problems in your relationships. If you've received this it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward this to ten people, would it be the first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

Little Jennifer was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor Teena peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, she politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jennifer?" "My goldfish died," replied Jennifer tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him." Teena was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Jennifer patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat.

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger into the corpse's anus and then he boldly licked his finger. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed, each student inserting a finger and then licking it. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you happened to notice that I put my MIDDLE finger into this man's anus, but the finger I licked was my INDEX finger?"

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!



The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."

Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"

Customer: "Huh?"

Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"

Customer: "It has an light on top."

Tech Support: "On top?"

Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."

Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."

Customer: "Oh! It works!"

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. After a couple of sips he looked up and saw a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He called the bartender over and said he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender said, "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian."

The man took a second, thought it over, shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's okay, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway."

So the bartender brought the woman her drink. The woman lifted her glass and gave our hero a nod of thanks. Encouraged, he got up from his bar stool and sauntered over to the woman. As he was sitting down on the stool next to her, he asked, "So, which part of Lesbia are you from?"

An Indian brave rode into town one early evening, kicking up a hail of dust behind him. Very quickly, he jumped down from his horse and rushed into the doctor's office.

"Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!" he blurted out in between panted breaths. The doctor
calmed him down and handed him two tablets for his chief to take before bedtime. "He will be all right first thing tomorrow morning," the doctor assured the young brave.

The next evening, the same brave rode into town again with the same complaint, "Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!". This time the doctor gave him four tablets for his chief to take before bedtime.

And again, the same thing happened the following evening. The brave rushed into the doctor's office and yelled, "Big Chief, no shit!". This time, in exasperation, the doctor pushed the whole bottle of tablets to the brave and instructed that his chief take them at one go before bedtime.

Yet again, the following evening saw the same brave rushing into the doctor's office. "What now?". The doctor asked the brave. "Big shit, no Chief," the brave screamed.

This is a story about a husband and wife who are waiting at a nearby bus stop with their nine children. Shortly afterwards, a blind man joins them and decides to wait for the bus as well. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded with passengers and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk to their intended destination. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is really driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No" says Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

Hello, my name is Joe Blow and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking chick in the magazine!" What a bunch of bullshit. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by pilgrims on the Mayflower. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwarded about 90 times - I don't fucking care. The point being? If you get some chain letter that'sthreatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email. Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love. One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere." Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel. &Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." "I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat." Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, " Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now." Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, "Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him. Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, &"Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived safely on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder. Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge answered. "But why did Time help me when no one else &would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!" The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farmhouse. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damnit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

SAUSAGE ANYBODY? A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says "Well, no..." With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

DEAR SANTA, You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you this letter asking for a bicycle,an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT PRICK? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T RAMMED IT UP ME FAR ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHIT HEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS HOUSE WITHOUT TRIPPING OVER THEM! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT THAT LARD ASS OF YOURS DOWN OUR CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL MAKE A BIG FIRE AND BURN YOUR BALLS. I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM AWAY SO THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK THAT BIG FAT KEISTER OF YOURS ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE NORTH POLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME NO FUCKING BIKE. WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU PUNK BITCH. Love always, Little Johnny

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

BDV-263050-BDV

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

I thought you would think this is "Priceless!" I about fell off my chair laughing! WOW! Amanda For anyone who feels they've been invited to too many weddings lately have a laugh. This is actually true. It was in a local newspaper in South Carolina and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming, bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift and told everyone to open their envelopes. Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his best man having sex...with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F*CK you!" He turned to his bride and said, "F*CK you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here!" He had the marriage annulled the first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And, best of all... 3) Trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this? Huh? Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests -- $32,000 Photographers for the wedding -- $3,000 Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks -- $8,500 The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex -- Priceless!!!

On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this jar is your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that, if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then a student took the jar that the other students and the professor agreed was full, and poured in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar, making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale: No matter how full your life, there is always room for BEER.

Almost closing time at an empty bar in Hollywood. In walks a young guy Walking quickly to the bar, he tells the bartender to set up eight shots of 100 proof tequila. While the bartender is pouring, he comments that this must be for something very special and the young guy replies "yes it is, my first blow job." To which the bartender set two more shots on the counter saying "hey that is really great, let me give you two more on the house." The young guy says "no, don't bother, if eight shots don't get this taste out my mouth two more sure as hell won't help".

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one). Wash face, then armpits. Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower. Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

There was a young man went to the doctor and said he wanted to get married but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his wick in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf. Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor said, "How's your marriage?" "Oh, I didn't get married doctor, I bought a calf instead."

There was a young man went to the doctor and said he wanted to get married but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his wick in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf. Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor said, "How's your marriage?" "Oh, I didn't get married doctor, I bought a calf instead."

Almost closing time at an empty bar in Hollywood. In walks a young guy Walking quickly to the bar, he tells the bartender to set up eight shots of 100 proof tequila. While the bartender is pouring, he comments that this must be for something very special and the young guy replies "yes it is, my first blow job." To which the bartender set two more shots on the counter saying "hey that is really great, let me give you two more on the house." The young guy says "no, don't bother, if eight shots don't get this taste out my mouth two more sure as hell won't help".

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one). Wash face, then armpits. Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower. Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Lessons I've learned... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big Dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough shit.

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her."

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior. So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman. He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do." The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door, sex was not what he had in mind."

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake." My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this jar is your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that, if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then a student took the jar that the other students and the professor agreed was full, and poured in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar, making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale: No matter how full your life, there is always room for BEER.

Just watch and Listen to this funny commentor.. LOL!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake." My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

Two new elements discovered for the periodic table. Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: (don't even go there) Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!!! Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 /- 50) Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it gets. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Early one morning the lad finds his canary lying dead in the bottom of the cage, "Daddy, why is it lying there with its little legs in the air " he asks.

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new face-lift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems. All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores."Not yet," aid the little boy.His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens,and hekicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.He goesto feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast andhis mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. He asks: "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?."Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don'tget anyeggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get anybacon fora week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week youaren'tgetting any milk."Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the catas he is walking to the kitchen The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Sugandhi - Fart Toss


You do not want to be the other guy. Force flying farts to take physical form and poop them onto your opponent.

Instructions:
Mouseclick to select trajectory and power. Release to launch a stinky package!



(please note...games may take long time to load depending upon the size of the game and speed of ur net also...so please be patient!)

A software engineer wrote: Subject: Failed Upgrade Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drink 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error: "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort." Can you help me, please? Here was the reply from Tech Support: Re: Failed Upgrade This is a very common problem among men, but it is due mostly to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support;" this was given to you at time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent surveys show add-ons like Visual Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, and A Quick Tour To Temple 1.0 are the best Third Party tools supported by Wife 1.0 to allow it to run smoothly and effectively. Best of luck!

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

There was a young hooker named Sue Who filled up her pussy with glue She said with a grin If they pay to get in "They can pay to get out of it too!

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time." say's the boy. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "He's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!". Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged." The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for "Making an obscene clone fall...."

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to just to keep 'em guessing! Let's turn this into a chain letter! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all... THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion." On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink." A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fuckin' disgusted, and my friend here has come in despair!"

Child: "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Mom: "Daddy puts his penis in the Mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby honey". Child: "Oh, but the other night you had Daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that Mommy?" Mom: "Jewelry, dear."

The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "He's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!". Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged." The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for "Making an obscene clone fall...."