Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator. .."

What happens if 1 rupee = 45 dollars!

............ ......... ....

Scene 1

Venue : Microsoft Corporation, New York , US Some s/w
engineers are seeing some photographs.

s/w engg 1 : What's that?

s/w engg 2 : Bob's photographs from India .

s/w engg 1 : Wow. Let me see. Which is this place?

s/w engg 3 : (Sees the photo) This is tidel park,chennai
s/w engg 1 : Fundoo yaar! And what is this? He got Bajaj Pulsar also.

s/w engg 2 : Let me see (sees). This guy enjoys life maan...

s/w engg 3 : You know how much an Bajaj Pulsar costs?
Nearly 60K.....
Say it in dollars... (60000*45 = 27,00,000 dollars)

s/w engg 2: Oops. We can't dream of such a thing here.

s/w engg 1 : Let's go to India & try for a job.

[Everybody excited.]

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

SCENE 2

Venue: Sun Microsystems, SanFrancisco , California, US

s/w engg 1: I'm with you man. My Visa is expected anytime. Soon I will
fly to India

s/w engg 2: Ohhh.... When is the party?

s/w engg 1: When I get it on hand.

s/w engg 2: Where will you be working?

s/w engg 1 : I'll be working in ambatur
s/w engg 2 : Oh! ambatur. Great yaar. where it is...

s/w engg 1 : It is in chennai.

s/w engg 3 : Fundoo place yaar. Nice climate Not like California.
You'll love the weather yaar. One of my friends is in coimbatore...
He says it's the ultimate place to live in. Cool maan.

s/w engg 2 : Who is the client yaar?

s/w engg 1: You know Municipal Corporation of chennai ?

s/w engg 3 : One of my friends is there in
the Road Cleaning Division. Most challenging job yaar. People are
working in the cutting edge of technology there.

s/w engg 1 : I'll be writing software for the accounts department of
the GCU.

s/w engg 2: GCU? what it means...?

s/w engg 1 : that is Garbage Collecting Unit.

s/w engg 3 : : Great yaar. That's what I like about
that country. You can get a job which requires all your skill. Not like
here. See I'm writing software for the space shuttle remote control.
I hate this.

s/w engg 1 : Don't worry guys. I'll give you my
Hotmail id. You can send your resume to me and I'll forward it to the
HRD.

[Everybody takes down his Hotmail id.]

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

SCENE 3

Venue: Intel Corp. US

s/w engg 1: Great news guys. Our George has got
admission in the IGNOU with scholarship for B.A History. A
great new field yaar...

All are excited...

George : Got my Visa yesterday. It's all finalized now.

s/w engg 2 : Congrats yaar. So you are out of this country.

s/w eng g 1 : B.A in Histroy...ohh. ..man, enjoy your life there!!

s/w engg 2 :Got full aid, eh?

George : Yeah. Got the UGC scholarship That will be 1200 Rupees / year.

s/w engg 1 : Great. Enjoy.

s/w engg 2 : (Thinking loud): 1200 Indian Rupees...!
that means 1200 * 45 = 54000 Dollars... with that amount I can buy an
three bed-room flat & a Mercedes here...!!!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

SCENE 4

A foreigner working in Hyderabad as Software Engg gets
a call from his Home ..

Father : What are you doing son ?

S/w Eng : Having breakfast ?

Father : what are you eating ?

S/w Eng: Coconut Sauce and Rice Bread i.e.,(Idli and
Chutney)

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

-----------------------------

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler."

"Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

-----------------------------

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

-----------------------------

Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?

A: "I'm soooo drunk."

-----------------------------

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"

The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"

The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."

Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

SARDAR AND THE MOSQUITOE!

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights.
Sardarji was also experiencing the same, every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn."

He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge.

Happy as he is now starts singing a lorry and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands.

So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

----------------------

THREE SARDARS IN SINGAPORE!

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30. Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.

After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.

Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said, " The keys were in my pocket only". With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this"

------------------------

SARDAR - DUMB AND DUMBER!

Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too


Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?
Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.


A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.


Two days of power cuts in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators!

---------------------------

Sardarji on KBC 2

Amitabh : apka 13th question 25 lakh yeh raha apke samne..

Contestant Sardar is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bachan?

Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bachan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav

C. Moh. Azhar D. General Perverz Musharaff.

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ?
(He is quite sure that Sardar will opt for A)
But Sardar is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..(50:50 and phone a friend)

Sardar: I think it is A but am not sure.

Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm Ap kya karna chahenge?

Sardar : I would like to use 50:50?

Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de..

Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -

B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.
C. Moh. Azhar.

Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made this mistake But as is said in bollywood the show must go on. Now Sardar is even more confused.

Sardar: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?

Sardar : Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga.

Amitabh Bachchan Shocked !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan

Santa Singh: "Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?"

Receiving reply from JAYA, Amitabh Bachan faints..

GUESS WHY?

Scroll Down
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Jaya Bachchan ask's him "What are the options?"

(Please let the pic open. Wait for the 'Done' Notification in the bottom
left corner. If you can't see the pictures, right click the small Red-Cross
and choose Show Picture to view it.)

(If the images are not clear, click on the particular image to have a clear look....)


chk out this image....its tooo good....

My Vonly Dearest Low,

I have a conpeshion to make. I low u sooooo much. I just low staring at your beautiful face all day long. I keep your poto by my bed and look alvays at it in the night middle time. Everyday I am thanking God for you for making Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream, because without it, you would not have that lovely scent of sandlewood or that lovely wheat colored complexion just like a fresh baked roti yar. You are such a delicious specimin of a vooman. Your lips are like nice, pink, sveet jilebi.

Sometimes I vant to bite off your nose because it reminds me of a pakora.

Smelling your hair reminds of the days vhen I vas backin the motherland and my servant used to rub coconut thel in my hair before I vould go to sleep. Vould you like to rub me with your oil vhile vee frolickk in the meadows? I vill let you be Kajol if you vill let me be Shah Rukh Khan.

We can dance and if it rains, it vill be even better because then it vill be truly Hindi style with my already tight jeans clinging to my skinny legs and your sari stuck to your plump stomach. But remember, no hanky panky.

At least not yet. Sometimes I am imagining vhat it vould be like if you were not in my life. But then I can smell the curry powder on your breath and I know you will be in my life forewer! I lowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww you wery wery much. Don't yewer porget. . . you are my little samosa and I am your chutney. You are my chicken curry and I am your naan. You are my stuffing and I am your paratha. You are my mango and I am your lassi.

Please accept this as a statement of my undying low for u porever and ever and ever.
Alvays porever your vun and vonly, Many low .

This sardarji goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts. "The doc says "Ok, touch your elbow." The sardarji touches his
elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doc, surprised, says "touch your head. "The sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony. The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Every where the sardarji touches it hurts like hell.

The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-raysetc... and tells the sardar to come back after two days. Two days later the sardar comes back and the doctor says,

"We've found your problem..." "Oh yeah? what is it ?"

'You've broken your finger!'

(Please let the pics open. Wait for the 'Done' Notification in the bottom
left corner. If you can't see the pictures, right click the small Red-Cross
and choose Show Picture to view it.)

(If the images are not clear, click on the particular image to have a clear look....)

(Please let the pics open. Wait for the 'Done' Notification in the bottom
left corner. If you can't see the pictures, right click the small Red-Cross
and choose Show Picture to view it.)

(If the images are not clear, click on the particular image to have a clear look....)

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries... .)

10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564, 000.

13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.

15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)

17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen' s "Born in the USA."

19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.

22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike
contest.

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "What?"

The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best for Christmas."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

An English professor wrote the words :

"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


All of the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."


All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her, man is nothing."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

'Daad'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?'

'No. You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Daa-aaad'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY Can I have a glass of water??'

'I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes later: 'Daaaa-aaaad'

'WHAT??!!'

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?

Twenty Funny Truths

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.


2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.


3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!


4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.


5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.


6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.


7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.


8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.


9. True friends stab you in the front.


10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.


11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.


12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.


13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.


14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.


15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.


16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.


17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.


19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.


20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the professor as he put the first worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

-----------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.

-----------------------

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ‘’If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull. ‘’

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ‘’If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'’

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ‘’What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'’

The kid smiles and says, ‘’I would be a bus driver!'’

-----------------------

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on JOHNNY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

-----------------------

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

-----------------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's David, he's a doctor.'"

Little Johnny, at the back of the room, rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead."

-----------------------

teacher: whats ur name?
Little Johnny: Johnny Anderson
teacher: u should say sir!
Little Johnny: ok!. my name is sir Johnny Anderson!

Hi all!!!!! Here is something which v all didn't know for a long time!!!



Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
If Men - earn money = Pigs
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Pigs

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence,
Women = Pigs + spend
If, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs

Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs.



Wish all the pigs to be happy forever... that's Maths!!!

Banta singh Bought a new computer, that have some problems. Can we solve
these problems?

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for
our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******
appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we
face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor
Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of
this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check
this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you
to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has
ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we
can click that by Sitting

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only
're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the
door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'find', but
unable
to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from
CAT,So
I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.


8.My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft
sentence', so when u will provide that?

9. What is this, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad lekhin there is
only one icon with 'MY Computer', where are the remaining?

10. This is strange, you say 'MY Pictures' but there is not even single
photo of mine, So when u will keep my photo in that.

An immediate response in this regard is highly expected with detailed

Chk out this Video!
in which a car dances!

Turn ON ur speakers!



Download Now![Right click, save link/target as, *.flv]


Have Fun!


Enjoy!

Chk out this video...
Very Funny!

Turn ON ur speakers!



Download Now![Right click, Save target/link as, *.flv]


Enjoy!

(Please let the pics open. Wait for the 'Done' Notification in the bottom
left corner. If you can't see the pictures, right click the small Red-Cross
and choose Show Picture to view it.)

(Please let the pics open. Wait for the 'Done' Notification in the bottom
left corner. If you can't see the pictures, right click the small Red-Cross
and choose Show Picture to view it.)

Blonde Cops

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification? " The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."


Dead Bird

One day a blonde and a brunette were walking down to the grocery store when the brunette pointed out to the blonde "oh, hey look at that dead bird.."

The blonde looks around around up in the sky for a few minutes and says "hmm, I don't see any dead ones."


Walking the Dogs

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

The blonde replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting. . why did you name them such names?"

The blonde sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"



Bad Book

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

1 SARDAR PURI LIFE ONLY 1 THING SOCHTE SOCHTE MAR GAYA

KI MERE TO 2 BROTHERS HAI
PHIR MERI SISTER KE 3 BROTHERS KAISE
==========================================
SARDAR APNI SISTER KE SAATH BIKE PE JA RAHA THA.
BOY: OH! PAAJI GIRLFRIEND K SAATH KAHA JA RAHE HO

SARDAR: OYE ! GIRLFRIEND HOGI TERI MERI TO SISTER HAI.
===============================
1 SARDAR INDIAN FLAG LENE SHOP PAR GAYA.

FLAG DEKHKAR SARDAR KUCH BOLA
JISE SUNKAR SHOPKEEPER PARESHAN HO GAYA ..

GUESS WOH KYA BOLA.....




IS MEIN AUR COLOUR DIKHAO
========================================
WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN A SARDAR & A DONKEY

BOTH MOVES TOWARDS THE ROAD TRANSPORT AS THEY GROWN UP
========================================
1ST SARDAR : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
andone is blue with red spots!

2ND SARDAR: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
home.
========================================
SARDAR AAJ MAINE PAANI KO ULLU BANAYA
2ND SARDAR: wo kaise?
1ST SARDAR: aaj maine nahane k liye paani garm kiya aur thande se naha liya.
=========================================
Sardarjee to Sunita:
" I want to marry you"Sunita:
But I am one year elder to you.
Sardarjee: No Problem, then I will marry you next year.
=========================================
Sardar declares:
... . . I will never marry in my life&. . .

... . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . .. ..
=========================================
SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
==========================================
SARDAR- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ?
2ND- Gold ring de de
1ST- koi badi cheez bata
2ND - M.R.F ka tyre de de. .
==========================================
A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it
& said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.
==========================================
SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.

2.Weakness:Banta's wife,Preeto.

3.Oppurtunity:When Banta is on tour.

4.Threat:When I am on tour
========================================
A SARDAR gave an Ad in matrimonial column
"PATNI CHAHIYE"
He got 1000 replies all saying-- 'Meri Le JA. ....
=======================================
A Sardar sees a beautiful girl . He goes and kises her .. The girl shouts and
says
what r u doing.
Sardar says B COM from KHALSA college.
======================================
sardar: yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai,
friend: acha wo kaise?
Yar kal me ghar aya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard k sath bethi
thi.!!
======================================
Sardar: yaar meri biwi ghar chodkar bhag gai..
mona: tune use pyar se nahi rakha hoga,
sardar: nahi yar sagi behan se bhi badkar rakha tha..
=====================================
sardar : Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.
===================================
On Jeeto's bday
Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.
When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank
manager.
======================================
Yamraj took a sardar on tour to hell. There he saw gandhi dancing with
Bipasha.
He asked:gandhi de saza ini mazedar kyon?
yamraj: saza ta Bipasha nu diti hai..
======================================
Sardar breaks an egg 2 make an omlet.
He finds d egg empty . . . Gets frustrated &
say's "iski maaki,aaj kal murgian bhi abortion karati hai!
=====================================
teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times
sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara
====================================
how can u identify a sardar in a classroom?

try

try

think....

very simple

just see

who is erasing notes when teacher is erasing blackboard
==========================================
Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....
==========================================
Lect: write a note on Gandhi jayanti..??

So..
santa writes "Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam i dont know who is
Jayanti ..
=========================================
Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.
=============================================
Santa:banta yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?
Banta: oye tenu eh v nhi pata Santa. dear jab auto main koi ganji ladki ja
rahi ho to usse kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI.
=============================================
Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga.
Wife: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey?
Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai
=============================================
Banta: you cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India
Radio!
========================================
Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."
========================================
What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi.
=======================================
Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly!
=======================================
Nurse: Congrats Santa ji, aap papa ban gaye.
Santa: Meri wife ko nahi bolna mein use surprise dunga!
=======================================
Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola: "Menu koi farak nahin penda.
Pehle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon."
=======================================
Banta ek sadhu se bola: Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay
batao.
Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?
=======================================
Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe.
Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti.
Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of t radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun will be making an angle of 160 degrees with the horizon, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima of an unknown function.

Yours ever loving,

PythagoraS

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally the other man
said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married
and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my
step-daughter. That made my step daughter my step-mother. And my father
became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her
father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a
son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son. But he
was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's
grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was
nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my
step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father's wife. I am my
step-mother' s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is
my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!! !!!! And you think
you have FAMILY PROBLEMS*

LITTLE JOHNY WAS NEW TO SCHOOL AND WAS LEARNING ENGLISH FOR THE FIRST TIME.

ON HIS 1ST DAY, HE SAW 2 PEOPLE FIGHTING. HE TRIED TO STOP THEM AND THEY SAID 'SHUT UP!'. SO HE LEARNT A NEW WORD. THEN AT HOME HE WAS WATCHING SUPERMAN. THERE HE LEARNT I AM SUPERMAN. HIS FATHER WAS TEACHING HIM SOME ETIQUETTES. HE SAID 'ALWAYS BE KIND TO LADIES AND SAY LADIES FIRST WHEN NECESSARY'. SO THE NEXT DAY, HE WENT PROUDLY TO SCHOOL THAT HE LEARNT 3 NEW THINGS. SO HIS TEACHER ASKED HIM A QUESTION AND JOHNY GOES 'SHUT UP!'. THE TEACHER GETS ANGRY AND SAYS ' WHO

DO U THINK U R?'. JOHNY SAYS ' I AM SUPERMAN'. THEN THE TEACHER SAYS 'GET OUT!!!!!'. JOHNY SAYS ' LADIES FIRST'.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.

Teacher What a pair of strange socks you are
wearing, one is
green
nd one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny Yes it's really strange. I've got another
pair of the
same at home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Teacher Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and
stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
L-Johnny Brotherly love.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Teacher Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before
eating?
L-Johnny No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a
good cook.

Question : " What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please "

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white ?"

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ? "

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? "

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.

The average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping.

The average women consumes 6lbs of lipstick in her lifetime.

On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A human brain weighs about 3lbs.

1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet.

You blink over 10,000,000 times a year.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... Even your heart.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza a day.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Koala and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints.

The scent of apples and/or bananas can help you lose weight.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Children grow faster in the spring.

On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his or her lifetime A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.

Do you know,







Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' &'d' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 99




Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred )





Letters 'a', 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999




( Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand )





Letters 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999




( Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion )





And



Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in the spellings of entire English Counting

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money. Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health." The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good". The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver". The man smiled again and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man.


But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".


The Man Replied........







"My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like".

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.


" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new guy replied.


She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.


I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling."


" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .

If we were to Honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this


1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.

5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.

6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... more money

11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%).