A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the professor as he put the first worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.

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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ‘’If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull. ‘’

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ‘’If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'’

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ‘’What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'’

The kid smiles and says, ‘’I would be a bus driver!'’

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on JOHNNY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

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On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's David, he's a doctor.'"

Little Johnny, at the back of the room, rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead."

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teacher: whats ur name?
Little Johnny: Johnny Anderson
teacher: u should say sir!
Little Johnny: ok!. my name is sir Johnny Anderson!