There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said, "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him,
"How do I get into Heaven?"
St Pete: Spell "Love".
John: L - O - V - E
Pete: That's right, you may enter.
John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it?
St Pete: Yup...by the way, I have to run an errand. Would you please watch the gate for me and if anyone comes just ask them to spell LOVE. If they spell it right, let them in.
John: OK, I can do that.
Soon Ralph arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?
John: Spell LOVE.
Ralph: L - O - V - E.
John: That's right, come on in.
Soon Harry arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?
John: Spell LOVE
Harry: L - O - V - E.
John: That's right, come on in.
Soon a woman arrives and as she gets closer John realizes it's his wife.
John: What are you doing here?
Wife: On the way home from your funeral I was in a car accident and died. What do I have to do to get into Heaven?
John: Spell Czechoslovakia........