A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" 

Little Suzie asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. Mom says, "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage." Little Suzie goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Trixie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Trixie on the leash and only go one time around the block." Little Suzie left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Trixie?" Little Suzie said, "Trixie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."