Blonde Puzzle

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

---

Blonde In A Boat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

---

Come To Me Perfume

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

---

Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

---

Blonde and Dictionary

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

Hightech sardar inventions
Four hightech sardar inventions:
-Waterproof towel
-Solar powered torch
-Book on how to read
-Pedal powered wheel chair.

------------

RICH GENEROUS SARDAR
Why does a rich generous sardar have two swimming pools of which one is always empty???
For people who don know how to swim!!

------------


SARDARJI PROPOSES TO A WOMAN AND
She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
He sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *AGAIN* barefeet!"

------------

ONLY MARRIED MEN
Banta owned a large factory. He issued orders that only married men would be employed. When his friend Santa asked him the reason, Banta replied, 'Married men are more obedient.'

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

A couple was golfing one day on a Very Exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said,


"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, do not knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix."


The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let¢s go up there, apologize and see how much it s going to cost us."

They walked up and knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."


When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah, sorry about that" the husband replied.


"No, actually I want to thank you. I am a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You have released me. I am allowed to grant three wishes - I will give you each one wish, and I will keep the last one for myself." the genie said.


"Ok" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."


"No problem-it is the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said looking at the wife.


"I want a house in every country of the world" she said.


"Consider it done." the genie said.


"And what is your wish, genie?" the husband said


"Well, since I have not had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I would not mind."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"


"35" she said.


"Really? And he still believes in genies?

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice of Little Johnny at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies

Little Johnny went and wrote a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Little Johnny was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

Johnny stated that his friend Mike was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

Johnny said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Mike".

The teacher asked, "What if Mike went to hell?"

Little Johnny replied, "Then you ask him ".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little boy who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The boy replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the boy replied, "They will in a minute."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.

The Mexican drops a pear on his country.

When the American asks why he says he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.

When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.

When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.

A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.

He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.

The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.

When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.

The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.

When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

Yo Mama's so stupid... glass

Yo mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.

--

Yo mama's so fat... door

Yo' mama is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

--

Yo mama's...Old!

Yo' Mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died.

--

Yo Mama's So Fat... X-Files Tee

Yo mama's so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.

--

Yo Mama's So Ugly... Born

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born her mama said, “what a treasure,” and her daddy said, “yeah, let's bury it.”

--

Yo mama's so dumb... airport

Yo mama is so dumb that she was on her way to the airport and saw a sign that said “airport left.” So she turned around and went home.

--

Yo mama's teeth are so big...

Yo Mama's teeth are so big, if she sneezes she'll stab herself in the chest.

--

Yo Mama's So Fat... Cat's tail

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on my cat's tail and now I call him "Beaver"

--

Yo mama's So Fat

Yo' mama so fat she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!

--

Yo mama's so fat... first word

Yo Mama is so fat, that her first word was oink.

Antique Shop

Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's new?"

-----

Yo' Mama's.....Old!

Yo' Mama's so old, I took her to see "Jurassic Park" and she started having flashbacks.

-----

Yo mama is so fat, she fell through the ground and struck oil.

-----

Yo mama's so Stupid!

Yo mama is so stupid, she traded in her car for gas money.

What's dangerous and swings from trees?

A monkey with a chainsaw!


-------------------------

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.

He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai.So both groups gather at Pune Station.

Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority .

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
------------ --------- --------- -------- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- - -
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come......
When TC arrives,
All 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes

Away....

NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE



SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
------------ --------- --------- ---- ------------ --------- --------- ------------ - -----------
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..

TC arrives....

ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE.

One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the
ticket and comes in Engg. Bathroo! m... TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined.


SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA): !
------------ --------- --------- --------- --
SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.

This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets ............ ....... ....

Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train....... ....





Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are geniuses, don't mess with Engineers.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."